I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
