So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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