every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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