the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
