I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
