im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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