My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
