Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
