There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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