I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
