Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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