i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
