I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
sarcasm needs its own font
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
