1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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