How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I deserve this hangover.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
