Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
