recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
