but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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