She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
