Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
