I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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