My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
