Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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