Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
