Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
