hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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