You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
