Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
