return my video game
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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