who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
