you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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