If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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