When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
