Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
