hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize