I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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