My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
