Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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