I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
