I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
