I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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