even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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