Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
