I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Randomize
