if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
