I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
