is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
