Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
