he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
