A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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