it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i came on her dog
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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